Relationships, Love and Dating During a Pandemic

Relationships are hard

Let me say that again. Relationships are so damn hard.

And want to hear an inconvenient truth?

Love isn’t enough.

It’s important, but it’s not enough.

My fiancé and I have been tested with this. Our needs definitely align, and yet, much to our chagrin, we still can get stuck, largely a result of both of us being sensitive. We hate the fact that we are human.

I find that when stuck, the focus need not remain on the cause, but rather in the repair: how are we going to step towards one another in an effort to heal and reconnect?

The challenge increases when one person will step towards the other in repair and the other isn’t ready yet to receive it. This is where compassion becomes your best friend, along with the trust that the reconnection will happen.

Awareness is key to get unstuck

Without awareness, this dance of harmony and disharmony can lead to growing resentments, creating an “all-or-nothing” mindset like, “he never meets my needs and always ignores my attempts to apologize.”

My fiancé and I, both mental health professionals, can be curious of the root of our challenges. Sometimes we will ask questions such as, “is this trigger coming from your childhood, your past relationship or is this having to do with something in the present?”

I understand that not everyone is going to have that ability or desire to delve into the root underlying cause of the emotional overload. And yet, that curiosity is helpful because old patterns have a way of reemerging and sneaking up on you when you least expect, hijacking your ability to access your logic and reason.

And they are even harder during a pandemic!

Everything that was under a flashlight of awareness is now under a floodlight of awareness.

There is no hiding from what’s been seeping under the radar of your relationship for who knows how long! But at some point, the longer you push things under the rug, eventually you are going to trip over the pile in the rug!

Hate to break it to you, but while love is necessary to maintain a healthy partnership, it’s not the thing that is going to carry you through the expected, and unexpected challenges, that come up when you are in relationship with someone else.

And now, with our lives in the midst of The Great Pause of 2020, you have the opportunity (if you choose!) to look at what’s been bubbling beneath the surface — cause Lord knows we have the time!

There are no more excuses for not looking at what’s not working, both in our relationships and in life in general.

(In fact, I think that’s the big spiritual meaning and lesson the Universe is calling upon us right now to look at: What are the ways you’ve been living your life that you need to change? And if we are honest with ourselves, there is a lot that needs to be improved.)

So, nothing like a pandemic to force us into awareness of what’s really going on, both internally and externally.

The many factors getting in the way of your relationship

· Attachment style

· Old wounds or traumas

· Differences or difficulty in communication patterns

· Sensitivities, mental health challenges (depression and/or anxiety)

· Addictions or unhealthy habits such as anger or addiction

· Emotional unawareness

· Challenges in your parenting or differing styles

· Lack of chemistry and sexual attraction

· Self-worth issues, jealousy or mistrust

· Instability in other areas of your life (work, money, friendships, purpose/meaning, life satisfaction)

This list really could go on and on for the many ways that prevent a relationship from experiencing connection, ease, and flow.

And yet, when you do fall in love, the stars align, and you find someone whose needs not only match yours, and the inhibitory factors are minimal, you are still going to need a huge reservoir of resources to draw upon when the inevitable shit hits the fan.

This is why relationships take work.

Stop believing a fairy tale

If you are under the spell of “my prince will come” and “happily ever after…” (thanks Disney!) then it’s time to wake up.

Be cautious of your expectations of what partnership looks like.

Check your expectations at the door. Proceed forward with awareness and compassion, both for yourself and for your partner. Tapping into the compassion will greatly help to reduce reactivity.

Oh, and also check your comparisons at the door — it’s really easy to look at other couples (especially on social media) and think their life is perfect.

Reality check: no relationship is perfect. So just stop comparing.

Letting go of expectations and releasing comparisons is easier said than done, but when you can remember to do it, it’s helpful.

Definition of partnership

In this week’s episode of Journey Forward with Joree Rose podcast, I talk with Shaun Galanos, a love coach who imparts honest and straightforward love advice on his podcast (The Love Drive) and social media outlets.

In our talk of all things love and sex, he defines partnership as “two people coming together in a common goal.”

I love this description; it’s so simple and clear, and yet as we know (dammit!) still so hard to execute.

And I don’t know about you, but even when there is a common goal, the path to get there can easily look like the harrowing drive on the road to Hana. (If you don’t know the reference, that drive is very twisted and curvy on the edge of deep cliffs of the Pacific, where you feel like death’s door is at the next turn.)

The challenge for some couples come in the defining or naming your goals for the relationship, cause even if you know them, it can be scary or hard to express them.

Whatever your common goals are, be it effective communication or vulnerability, acceptance or passionate chemistry (or like 100 other things!) the ability to meet them takes work. Not, like a “one and done” kind of work, but ongoing, active attention towards the relationship.

Tools to draw upon to get unstuck and back on the road to harmony

“Everything mentionable is manageable”

~ Fred Rogers

· Extend generosity — approaching any situation with compassion and curiosity will be sure to soften any challenging conversation that you need to have

· Clarify your both your own and your partner’s needs — I know what I mean when I say I need connection, but my partner may have a different definition. So, get clear on what they are saying, and how you interpret it (or vice versa)

· Talk about the thing — don’t ignore the elephant in the room just because it’s big and seems scary; ignoring it won’t make it go away, it only makes it harder to deal with at another time

· Practice a softened start up — don’t just jump into a heavy conversation, ask your partner when a good time to talk about your relationship would be. (Oh, and if they keep brushing you off or don’t acknowledge your request, that’s really important information to pay attention to.) The softened start up is based on the work of John Gottman, one of the world’s leading researchers on marriage and how to thrive in relationship.

· Practice non-attachment — when it comes to communication, don’t focus on what the outcome of the conversation will be, focus on speaking from your heart. If you get too caught up in what’s going to come of it, you may overlook your needs in favor of pleasing or not rocking the boat, which will never end with you feeling connected

· Understand that your needs are not mutually exclusive — you may need closeness and he may need space. Allow both to be true and present when you each need; you likely will not have the same needs and let that be okay — just do your best to honor your partners and yours will likely (hopefully!) be met in return

And it’s also possible that you do all the above, and reconnection or understanding is still not achieved.

Don’t just jump ship; get curious instead

Some people think if it’s too hard, to just jump ship and move on to the next person. While elements that may be true, let me share with you a cliché: wherever you go, there you are.

Jumping ship when it gets hard gives no guarantee that it’s going to be easier with anyone else.

So if you’ve taken the time and energy to invest in your partnership and you both have a growth mindset (that is you both believe that growth and change is not only possible, but it is a shared value) then there are often ways to work it through.

Get curious on what you really need.

Maybe you need time.

Maybe you need some space.

Maybe you need therapy, either individually or as a couple.

Perhaps you need to look at your triggers and old wounds.

Or maybe you need to work on your sense of self-worth and your thoughts regarding being lovable.

What a great opportunity to grow!

The good news — regardless of where your challenges are — it is possible to grow together towards a fulfilling future.

As a marriage and family therapist, I would not be in the business I’m in if I didn’t believe wholeheartedly that it is possible to get unstuck and journey forward towards lasting happiness and authenticity.

But what if I’m just dating during quarantine?

All the aforementioned presumes you’re in existing relationship, and yet many people are navigating how to date during quarantining.

As with many things in life, there are layers to this.

If you had been on dating apps and were partial to casually dating, this may be a good time to just put the phone down and get some good quality time with yourself.

Become your own best friend, and be intentional in your actions

Get to know yourself. Befriend your struggles. Face your shadow side that you’ve allowed serial dating from preventing you from dealing with.

Or if you still feel the gravitational pull towards your phone and the ongoing sexting without the possibility of meeting any time soon, then at least do it with awareness and intention.

If you find you’re mindlessly reaching for the phone and have swiped left 5 times before you even realized what you were doing, then maybe this is a good chance to change the habits.

However, if you crave genuine connection, then maybe start by calling a friend — or your mom (she’d appreciate that!) — before trying to find it with a virtual stranger.

Best advice I ever got

When I was going through my divorce, my best friend told me what her therapist told her during her divorce: don’t expect him to be any different in divorce than he was in marriage.

The same is true now if you are dating during the pandemic.

Don’t expect him/her to be any different during quarantine that he/she may normally be.

If they aren’t someone who seems to show a lot of interest, that likely won’t change now.

If they didn’t seem empathic, communicative or emotionally aware before, good chances are they still won’t be.

We can grow and change, especially during this pandemic, but you’ve gotta stay realistic.

And one thing’s for sure. This pandemic will likely confirm for you if you were “oh hell ya, I’m all in!” or “no way, my needs aren’t being met and I don’t need to keep wasting my time.”

Let this be a time of reflection rather than just staying in the cycle of “mmmmm, I kinda like him, there are some red flags, but I’ll give him/her another shot.”

A few important reminders

Regardless of where you are in your relationship journey, let me remind you of a few important things:

You are worthy.

You are lovable.

You are deserving of a healthy relationship.

You are allowed to feel what you feel.

You are capable of having your needs met.

You deserve respect and kindness.

And most importantly, your needs don’t make you needy. They make you human.

I hope you and your partnerships are staying healthy, staying safe and staying sane.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash